Angela's Influence

i blow brains; cobain

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He keeps his hand near his dick
And I ask him if he’s afraid it will fall off
He laughs
But agrees that it is important to keep aware of its attachment
I joke that it would only fall off if dirty
Then I ask if he is dirty
And he shows me his slimy teeth
All straight
And devilish
He tells me it keeps the ladies coming back
I realize the road on which I have arrived
Totally downhill
He scoots closer to me
I apologize and retreat
He scoffs
“You don’t want this”
And I agree
Now we are both uncomfortable
I give him the remote
He turns on The Other Sister
“Olive juice”
He mouths the words
Like he meant it
Or like he had said it to another woman before

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8.22.14 (rambling and unfinished)

He comes back from Vegas
And his eyes are a pale sweat
And I watch as he peels back the first layer of skin
“I’m sorry”
Then the second
“It would kill her”
And the last
“Because I love you”
And we are in a puddle of void
And blood
Equal parts apology
And sadness

I make sure my lipstick is rubbed off
I pack things neatly
I remember my keys
And that I need to get gas

Today, he is a blushing ball of secrets
I pretend not to notice his fervor
It is just sex today
I look at my hair in the mirror
Then my hands
Pick his skin from my fingernails
My pillows are taunting me
Still imprinted with my teeth marks and spit They see me when he does not
They know the truth
“You hungry?”
Stay feeding the vulgar boy
I am humanitarian today
No lover in his mouth today
It is 11pm
Wal-mart is always open
Waiting for a night like this
When I am splurge and distraction
Yarn
Foil
Lighters
Nothing goes together
But they all feel important at the time
I carry my purchases up the stairs
Each bag
Pregnant with unnecessaries
We all pregnant with unnecessaries
He is standing at my door
He is requesting ice cream
My silence is it’s own consent
He grabs my bags from my hands
He is helpful today
On this night, I do not want him
I would rather the distance stay a tangible level of thick and impenetrable
This is how I protect myself
I bunker into quiet shoulder shrugs and nodding
I am passive aggressive to keep from being overly aggressive
We communicate, still
“You good, Jay?”
(I nod)
“‘Swrong?”
(I shake)
“Jay…”
(I shrug)
I am the cool after the wind blows
The expectation that when a gust rolls by
she will be kind in her touch
I only want to be kind when we touch
So when we are naked
And resting
I am unprepared to be held
I am afraid that he will suck the breath out of me
And then what good will I be to the world
Flaccid and empty?

28,264 notes

He says ‘I don’t get it, why are you still a virgin at 24?’

He says ‘I don’t believe you, I’ve seen you walk, virgins don’t walk like that’

He says, ‘That ain’t natural, people are supposed to fuck.’

He asks ‘Why though? No offence though.’

I ask ‘When was your first time?’

He says ‘I was 12’

He says ‘I know what you’re thinking, that’s too young.’

I look at his knuckles, he has two good hands.

He says ‘She was older than me.’

I ask ‘How old?’

And he says ‘It’s better that the girl is older, that’s how I learnt all things I know’

He licks his lips.

I ask again ‘How old?’

He says ‘I could use one finger to make you sob’

I think of my brother in prison and I can’t remember his face.

I ask again ‘How old?’

He says ‘Boys become men in the laps of women, you know?’

I think of my mothers faced lined with her bad choices in men.

He says ‘If you were mine you wouldn’t get away with this shit, I’d eat you for hours, I’d gut you like fruit.’

I think of my cousins circumcision, how she feels like a mermaid, not human from the waist down.

He says ‘I’d look after you, you know?’

I laugh, I ask for the last time ‘How old?’

He says ‘34.’

He says ‘She was beautiful though and I know what you’re thinking but it’s not like that, I’m a man, I’m a man, I’m a man. No one could ever hurt me’.

Warsan Shire, Crude Conversations With Boys Who Fake Laughter Often (via ethiopienne)

(Source: cactuslungs, via naturaleyez)

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Drunken ramblings

And this is how I remember the sun
It is in a cup
And you are the shadow
And we are naked
And there is no recollection of heartbreak
Just me
And you
And drunken nights
And broken rules
And laughter
And theory
And we
And then I remember
Again
That you made excuses
As to why we would never be
Only to tell me you loved me
In passing conversation
You are indeed an endless ironic memory
One that says
“I love you”
In a suicidal manner
One that says
“Here is what I need”
And never take it

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